so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
