You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
