His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
