I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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