just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
