i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
