theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
