I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
