If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize