I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
