I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
