Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
