At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
