dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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