How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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