if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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