me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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