I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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