im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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