we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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