I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You made out with two different species that night
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize
