got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
