Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
