tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
