I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
