We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
