tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
