Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
