M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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