Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
