sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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