some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
