I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
