We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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