Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
