just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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