in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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