thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
