You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You dont lie about slip and slides
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
