if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just threw up on my dentist
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
