I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
