I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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