Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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