Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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