My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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