I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
