About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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