When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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