I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
