Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
