PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
