It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
