awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
bring money and cleavage
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
