if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I will die if light touches me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
