I got chris browned last night
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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