I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
