I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
