literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
