I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
