Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
