Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
