I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
