I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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