I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
