The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Two words: blizzard sex
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
