Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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