I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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