im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
