By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize